Well hello to whoever reads this. Im taking the time today to make a start telling anyone who cares to read this about my thoughts, feelings and memories of this world.
The question is where to start though?
I struggle everyday to understand why I am here. I wonder what is the point. In my life I grew up in a very strictly religous family and was always told that everything is as it is because that is how god made it. Everything comes down to what god decides. I have been led to believe that at the end of the day nothing matters because when the time comes god will decide who gets to live and who doesnt. I was led to believe that if I live my life exactly how god wants that I will be saved. BUT and there is always a but, in my own mind I didnt truly believe and as always there is small print even in the bible.
The catch is I could live my whole life as god wants do everything exactly as god wants but if I dont love god and im only doing it because thats all I know then it will not count for anything.
So I made the choice when I was 16 to leave home and find my own way in life but everyday I struggle with the fear that my family is right in what they believe and that one day god will stop this madness that we live in and when it is my turn to face my judgement god will tell me you had the chance, you knew but you did nothing.
As a consequence of my inner demons I turned to drink and drugs in an effort to keep these thoughts out. That unfortunatly has brought with it a whole new set of problems.
I think im going to tell my story about this here because as much as try to tell people I know they never understand why it is im so troubled. It is so difficult to explain what im thinking hopefully by posting here I can get this weight of my chest and maybe one day I will start feeling better about myself again.
